Zombies at the Door, Planning for the Inevitable Read online

  Zombies at the Door

  Planning for the Inevitable

  Charles M. Pulsipher

  To my friend, Adam.

  When I think of Zombies, I think of you.

  Introduction

  (skip this if it’s an actual emergency)

  I wrote this originally as a gag Christmas gift for my friends and family. I wanted it to be funny, but still supply people with valuable life-saving information that could be applied to any disaster scenario.

  Zombies, earthquakes, floods, fires, solar storms, alien invasion, electromagnetic pulses that knock out power, and pandemics…yeah, this thing is made to help and entertain you in the process.

  I printed over a dozen copies and gave away around ten. The others disappeared within two months as people begged for copies. I decided I needed to give this gag gift to the world.

  You’re welcome.

  Note:

  This is not meant to replace any actual plans you may have for emergencies or any directions you receive from the government, military, and law enforcement. If it saves your life, then it has done so to the surprise of the writer and everyone else.

  The writer in no way condones theft, looting, vandalism, zombie tagging, raising of ruckuses, stealing, rioting, robbery, misappropriation of food, goods, or merchandise, seizing of tanks, bazookas, and grenades, or the murdering of innocent people who just have a regular disease and not the incurable zombiepox.

  In a Zombie Emergency Read This First

  Okay, it happened. I knew it would. We knew it would. No surprise really. That’s why you have this guide, you saw what was coming. You’re smart…ish.

  You were brushing your teeth this morning, picking at that annoying ingrown hair while the television ran in the background, just like every other day. But, today you heard the word “zombie” drift in from the other room, clear as day.

  “Shzomby?” you repeated back to yourself in the mirror, toothbrush dangling from the corner of your mouth. It fell to the sink and you ran out to turn up the volume on your beautiful flat screen (that has now become as useless as your underwear).

  Videos of fire, destruction, and shuffling masses appeared on the screen. You squealed like a three year old girl at a princess party just for her. When you calmed down, you scrambled over to the bookshelf or your ereader and pulled this down.

  Good for you! Seriously! That was some level headed thinking in this time of panic and distress. I mean, there are plenty of good books there, but that sparkly vampire or that wizard with glasses isn’t going to be much help today, now is he?

  What To Do

  Take a moment to collect yourself. Breathe deeply, hold, release. Count to five, not ten. You don’t have time for ten! What are you even thinking ten for?!! Stop that. Ten doesn’t exist…five and five only. You have a lot of work to do, so focus already. Reached five yet? Good, let’s get to it.

  Important: DO NOT PANIC and DON’T YOU DARE SCREAM! We will forgive the initial squeal. That was understandable, but no more. Screaming is the equivalent of wafting the scent of freshly cooked bacon over a sleeping fat man to a zombie. Got it? Screaming = Zombie Bacon.

  Bacon sounds good now. I wish I had some. Dang you for bringing it up! Stupid bacon. Anyway…scream and they’ll come running, stumbling, and slobbering for your sweet breads in a heartbeat. Don’t scream!

  Mmmm…bacon. Sounds really good now, doesn’t it? I blame you. Crisp and salty on eggs over toast. Wait. Am I drooling a little?

  Drooling?! That reminds me. Wipe your mouth! That toothpaste dribbling down your chin is going to get you shot if you aren’t careful. Clean now? Good. That was a close one.

  Go and slowly, quietly close your blinds and bolt your doors. Zombies are like little children. If they don’t see you or hear you, you don’t exist.

  Oh, and find yourself a weapon: gun, axe, shovel, hatchet, baseball bat, stick with nail, table leg, etc. You don’t want to be relying on your two fists right now. Zombies bite fists, and fingers, and arms, and…well you get the idea.

  Next, fill up all your tubs with water. This is critical. If you have to shelter in place for a while, you’ll need it. Water is one of the big advantages you will have over your zombie food neighbors if you’re smart and listen to me.

  If you’ve managed to accomplish all this without getting your brains eaten, then you’re probably better off than most of the population. Nice job. I’m glad too. It really would’ve been difficult for you to keep reading if you were a zombie.

  Get Help

  Time to call your friends. Be aware that some of them may be zombies by now. This doesn’t mean you hang up if they answer “grrrr, arrrgh, yarhhg, or eeerrr!” Give them a moment to wake up, just in case they’re still somewhat comatose from a long night of whatever your friends do and not a zombie. Or they could still be in shock that this happened, even though any friend of yours should have seen it coming.

  If the grunting and moaning continues for several minutes, hang up. Let them go, they’re not going to be helpful any longer. If you enjoy the company of the biting, drooling, and brain eating undead, go ahead and keep them on the phone for a while, but I in no way endorse this kind of fraternization with zombies.

  Phone Numbers

  You should have a list of much needed phone numbers and addresses written in this book. If this is an ereader, I hope you jotted them down somewhere. These will be a lifeline in this troubled time. Please remember that telephone lines may be flooded.

  Everyone will be trying to call their personal lifelines, mothers, and psychic friends right now. You can often get a text message through when cell phone lines are busy. You can also use a pay phone when nothing else seems to work.

  Know where payphones are! They are usually in high traffic areas that you will want to avoid, so know where the offbeat ones are. 911 will be useless, inundated with calls from zombie victims who think that the police will actually be able to help. Like they train the local PD for a zombie infestation. For some unknown reason this important scenario has not been added to their training dockets.

  Also, make sure you write down those names, phone numbers, and addresses before the zombie plan is necessary! There’s space at the back of this thing. And, keep it up to date. Seriously, you can be a little lazy sometimes. And, write down land lines if they’ve got them!

  Meet and Greet

  Once you’ve contacted all your non-zombie friends and relatives, it’s time to form a convoy and group up. Some zombie plans will tell you to go it alone. That’s a bad idea.

  The more people you have around you, the higher probability that the zombies will get them instead of you…um…I would tell them something else though. Strength in numbers! We have to stick together to make it through this! We’ll watch each other’s backs! Something like that will motivate them. Don’t refer to them as targets or distractions.

  Throw your 72 hour kit in your car, add nonperishable food from your pantry, and as much water as you can, along with a few choice weapons. Have bottles of soda or juice? Empty them and fill them with water. You’ll thank me later. Now let’s meet up with all the spare targets (friends) you can find.

  If you don’t have a 72 hour kit, you’d better hope someone has a 144 hour kit. Once again, don’t be so lazy and get a 72 hour kit together beforehand! Oh, a First Aid Kit might be a good idea too. You should have one in your 72 Hour Kit, but, obviously, you’re lazy, so it’s a bit of a crap shoot, isn’t it? (See Appendix 1-A for an example 72 Hour Kit and Appendix 1-B for an example First Aid Kit)

  What are you still doing reading this? It’s time to go. Your friends are
waiting. Go, Go, Go!

  Meeting Places

  So you’ve talked to your friends and family members who haven’t upgraded their vocabulary with “Yarrrghh.” Your car is packed, but where are you going? Hopefully that was part of your conversation with your friends. If not, well you have some redialing to do there, genius! Meeting somewhere safe will allow you to group for strength in numbers (wink, wink), allowing the zombies to pick you off one by one. Here is a list of possible meeting places:

  The Old Abandoned Whatever Building

  Every town has them. The old grocery store or mill or insane asylum or creepy hospital up on the hill. Despite the creepy vibe of old abandoned buildings, this is always a good spot to meet and decide what to do next or where to go. That building most likely isn’t being used (hence being called abandoned) and all your friends know where it is from your obsessive driving past it and pointing out the creepiness. I don’t recommend the asylum though, but that might just be the video games I’ve played talking.

  Truck Rentals

  Truck rentals are a great place during a zombie attack. A rental truck is designed to be driven by any moron with a driver’s license (like you). They’re well built and can take a little wear and tear. The trucks come in a multitude of sizes.

  I recommend the middle size truck, with better gas mileage than the bigger ones, but enough room for quite a few people and supplies. Each truck is also sitting on the lot gassed up and ready to go. The keys are either inside a flimsy drop box on the side of the building or inside the flimsy building itself (often a trailer). I don’t recommend stealing, but the undead are walking the streets. Leave an I Owe You or a credit card.

  Friend’s Cabin or Property Out of Town

  Now you’re thinking! A great place if everyone knows how to get there. You just have to be careful on the approach. If your friend’s family beat you there, you may get shot for trespassing. Prod your friend out in front with a stick and make him/her explain to his/her hillbilly cousins that they need you and your group of friends. Point out the rental truck full of goodies, but imply that your keen mind, thanks in no small part to my guide, may save them all.

  Ranch, Dead, or Unfinished Exits

  Many parts of the country have freeway exits that aren’t in use. These are usually far from a central location, but they make up for this flaw with several great features. They’re close to the freeway with easy access for you, your friends, and the big truck you…borrowed. They’re fairly deserted most days, so less zombies to get in the way of your planning. They’re not someplace many others will think of…unless I sell a lot of these. Don’t worry about that. I’m sure that won’t happen.

  Ranch exits often lead to miles of back country and dirt roads. Dead exits are a great place to do some quick meeting and planning before you take off for someplace better. Unfinished exits often lead to half finished roads that may take you somewhere safe…ish like new and empty complexes under construction.

  Individual Homes

  If you’re unable to contact someone by phone, you may be tempted to swing by their home to check on them. This is courageous and heartwarming, especially if I’m one of the ones you were unable to contact. But, this is also extremely dangerous and a little stupid, unless you’re getting me. Then it is only brave. I mean, I wrote this thing, you owe me, right?

  Keep in mind, you’re entering the heart of the population and getting further and further away from the main roads leading out of town as you head to someone’s house. It’s risky. I’m not suggesting you abandon someone (like me), but get in and get out as fast as possible. Don’t linger too long and don’t designate a home as a meeting place.

  Homes aren’t really designed to withstand zombies. They were built to withstand some light rain, maybe a little wind, some kid throwing a very small stick, but not zombies. I don’t know why architects don’t take this kind of thing into account, but few ever do. Sad really.

  A School

  This is only a good option if it’s not a school day. You don’t want to stumble into a bunch of angst-ridden, teenage zombies. Not only will they want to bite you and eat your brains, but they’ll be whiny and bratty while doing so.

  Once again, if you have to swing by to get a loved one, be quick and don’t stick around. If it’s a weekend, the summer, or a holiday, this may be a good choice for a quick meeting zone. A zombie will instinctively steer away from schools on a day off.

  Trust me, it’s science. Deep down they won’t want to go near a school during the summer, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Just be aware, if it’s a weekend, you may have a few extra-curricular zombies show up and then the others will arrive in droves on Monday. On the flip side, bars and clubs are a bad place to be on the weekends and St. Patrick’s Day.

  Grocery Stores or Big Box Stores

  Seems like a good idea, doesn’t it? You’re dead wrong. Bad idea. Everyone else will do the same, running to buy milk and bread like that’ll stave off zombies. Dumb people. They’re walking into a trap.

  Half the people that work in these stores are half zombie on a good day. Just hearing that the zombie infestation has begun will send them over the edge into full zombitude (it’s a word, I swear). You’d be walking into a nightmare, clutching your bread and milk, fighting with other customers who can’t drive their carts.

  When you make your way to the front at least you’ll get to know that the zombie who’ll be eating you today is “Susan” and she has “3 Years of Service” before she knocks that precious bread and milk from your hands and bites into your brain.

  The Mall

  No, No, No! BAD IDEA. Did movies teach you nothing? Does the mall ever help anyone survive?

  If you’re still debating this, here are the reasons why not: too many people, not much food, lots of dead ends, the building as a whole is not designed to keep people or zombies out, and instinct will drive zombies here in mass.

  A zombie’s brain doesn’t work right. They know they need something, but can’t remember what that thing is until they have a human in front of them. Then the light bulb comes on. “Oh yeah…brains…mmmm….brains.”

  Where do people go when they need something, but can’t remember what? The mall! I don’t even want to think what would happen if Zombie Day and Black Friday ever aligned. Can you imagine it? Gives me chills.

  The Roof of Such and Such Building

  This is clever. I’m surprised you thought of it. Oh yeah, you didn’t. I just gave it to you. You’re welcome again.

  Flat roofs are a good place to meet. You can see everyone heading your way. You can pick off the occasional zombie as it chases one of your friends. Zombies are also notoriously bad climbers. It doesn’t matter if they were gymnasts, rock climbers, or parkour champions, once zombified they cannot climb. Pull your rental truck right up to the ladder and you also have a quick get-away.

  Destinations

  Get Out

  This is no particular destination at all, just a mad dash out of town and as far away as possible. This is the only destination you should have in mind if the zombie infestation is localized to your town and not national or global.

  You don’t want to be there if that’s the case. Forget the mall, forget the rental truck, get in your car and go. A fire bomb or nuke could already be on its way. Go, go, go!

  Shelter in Place

  This isn’t really the best option, but you may end up stuck with it if you’re unlucky or you don’t move fast enough. As I mentioned earlier homes, apartments, and condos are just not designed to keep out zombies. It comes in handy for other problems though, say a nice normal pandemic.

  But, if you’re surrounded and there’s no way out without having to blunder through thousands of the drooling undead, then…well…this is the only instance you should stay put during a zombie infestation. Stay quiet. Keep the blinds down and closed. Barricade the doors and windows. Keep lights to a minimum, not the best time for a rave party or to be testing out that new surround sound syste
m.

  Use the food in your fridge first. You do not know how long the electricity will last, if it’s still working at all (Do not use food that has already gone bad from your neglect of leftovers. Now is not the time to get sick).

  If the electricity is out, use the perishable food within the first day. That doesn’t mean start shoveling cheese, milk, and ice cream down your throat. Take it easy. Eat what you can. Move frozen food to a cooler along with vegetables and meats from your fridge. There is one sure fire way to keep your food from spoiling and it’s what the professionals use, heat.

  Hopefully you have a little gas stove in your 72 hour kit. Fill a pan with your frozen and fresh veggies, meats, tomato sauces, etc. Add some water and bring it to a simmer. That’s it. If you keep food at a simmer it will not grow bacteria and you will not die eating it. I can’t guarantee it will taste amazing. Use those herbs and spices you usually ignore in that rack next to the stove.

  Your gas will run out. If you have a fireplace, then you’re better off than me. Break down your furniture and keep that soup hot. Then move on to your cupboards and pantries. Anything veggie or meat related that you cannot finish in one meal goes into the soup. Finally you’ll turn to your 72 hour kits or food storage. Most homes have several weeks’ worth of food floating around if you’re not being too picky. Believe me, now is not the time to be picky.

  Water will be a problem. You don’t know how long that will last or if it’s been contaminated with zombie cooties. You DO NOT want zombie cooties. That’s why I had you fill up the bath tub.