Zombies at the Door, Planning for the Inevitable Read online

  As long as you have electricity, use any liquids in your fridge first (see note above). Then move on to your bathtub water. I recommend boiling it. It won’t have much in the way of bacteria, but it will pick up some from your funky tub, more if you are as lazy as the patterns seem to say.

  Toilet water next, the water in the tank, not the bowl (Note: do not drink this if you used some sort of cleaning tablet. Otherwise, lap it up). Then your water heater. Turn it off first if you still have electricity. I recommend boiling these too, just in case the zombie plague reached the water supply. Last, your 72 hour kit or food storage water. This should keep you well hydrated for a while. Hopefully you won’t run out, someone comes for you soon, or the zombies disperse enough for you to escape.

  Distribution Center

  This isn’t available in all locations, but many towns have a big box distribution center. This is the ultimate supply depot. They have everything you could dream of needing during a zombie infestation. Food, water, camping gear, and more.

  Once again, I don’t condone stealing, but zombies are trying to eat you and your friends. Leave another I Owe You or credit card.

  This could get tricky. These places have many workers and drivers heading in and out all day. Hope the news has made them all panic and abandon their posts well before you get there. And pray none of them are zombies, waiting inside.

  You have a couple options once there. The roof of the distribution center may be a good place to set up camp in a pinch. I would recommend going somewhere far away from zombies (and their food, people) that can be fortified for defense, but if travel becomes difficult, the roof is a good option.

  You can easily haul whatever you need up there. These buildings are huge, massive, and also big. You can see them from space (almost). I may exaggerate a little, but they’re definitely big enough that you won’t be visible from the ground. Remember, you don’t exist if zombies can’t see you.

  Dozens of people could live on the roof in makeshift homes and tents. Food, water, and supplies would be within a quick scavenger hunt at any time as you wait out the zombies (Note: scavenger hunts are more fun without the zombies).

  The other option is to load up all you can carry and head somewhere else. If you met up at truck rental building first, then you have a medium sized truck ready to fill up with all the gear and supplies you need. If not, you should at least have several cars. Just avoid the zombies hiding in the massive warehouse.

  Once loaded, there are plenty of out of the way places you can end up with your cargo (aka booty) that will be suitable for survival. Just please don’t take it to the mall!

  Lakes and Reservoirs

  Anywhere you end up, you need water. Always remember that, especially if you live in a desert, not to be confused with dessert, which can be nice.

  Lakes and reservoirs have a large supply of water. You want the ones that are hard to get to and well away from population centers, not the water park in the middle of town or the splash pad down the street.

  You may have issues with the locals who try to shoot anything zombie-ish (also a word). Try not to be zombie-ish. You should always boil water that may have had zombies or anything else not so pleasant in it. Zombies do enjoy a nice wade every now and again. Not big swimmers though.

  Remote Valleys or Canyons

  These are great if they’re not well known. If they’re tourist traps, you’ll be fighting plenty of other people for the best places to hide and hole up.

  This is always a pity that you have to fight other normal humans when there are plenty of zombies that require your attention. Why can’t we all just get along?

  Canyon floors are not always the best place to be. Think higher, harder to climb to. A large ledge or cave halfway up a cliff could make a nice new home. Make a rope ladder to get friends up and down and a slanted roof so any zombie falling from above will slide off. Zombies don’t sound like raindrops when they fall. Expect some loud, thumping nights.

  Make sure you have access to water. Springs, streams, rivers, snowmelt, something. Remote cabins can be fortified with your gear from the distribution center. Make sure you bring plenty of weapons and food.

  Forests

  These are usually fairly remote which is great. Find water and build some good tree houses. You’ll be fine. Just don’t get lost. Moss grows on the North side of trees. That doesn’t help if you don’t know which direction your tree fort is though, so just don’t get lost in the first place. That makes everything easier. Getting lost in a dark forest with zombies is not my idea of a good time.

  Forests are also home to a lot of edibles. Look for game trails and tie nooses along them. Don’t be afraid to eat something that you normally wouldn’t. There might be an occasional feral pig out there, but there’s not much bacon in the forest.

  Worms and grasshoppers aren’t too bad when you’re starving. Just make sure you cook them well. Tape worms are not your friends even when you aren’t running from the undead. Many plants are poisonous. Only use plants you can identify as safe and edible. When in doubt, don’t risk it.

  Mountain Property

  These can be extremely remote and not well known. Don’t go to the resort where everyone has a time share. That’s not the mountain property I’m talking about.

  The good ones often have plenty of snowmelt, springs, ponds, and streams. But, they may have no buildings or sometimes just a broken down trailer for protection. You can use your truck as a base camp until you can build more permanent living situations.

  Try not to get shot by locals or people who beat you there first. It can be near impossible to get to these places in a rental truck if it’s raining or snowing. Wolves and other predators may keep zombies from getting too close. This is a fairly good option if you can get the truckload of supplies up there and, if you manage to swing by a home improvement store beforehand, even better.

  Prison

  This is a last ditch option if you’re unable to get out of town. Hopefully, most of the inmates are dumb enough to escape and scatter in the chaos of brain biting zombiness, leaving the place practically empty.

  Empty is good. Full of inmates is bad. Full of criminal zombies with a history of violence before they decided that your head meat tasted good, even worse. Yet, a prison is a very easy place to defend with all that razor wire, fences, and bars. It should have a nice stockpile of food and water too. I’d start a garden in one of the exercise fields. It would be very quaint and domestic.

  Military Depot

  This sounds like a good place to set up camp. It very well might be. Just know that some jumpy new recruit with his nervous about zombies trigger finger is waiting just on the other side of that fence. He could just pop anything that moves.

  Approach slowly with a white flag in the middle of the day while blasting some soothing music on your boom box. That may help.

  Yes, tanks, bazookas, and grenades sound good right about now. I don’t blame you for wanting big tough people with guns between you and the zombie horde. Just be careful. Big tough people with guns make for the worst zombies.

  Avoid

  Super Markets/Grocery Stores/Big Box Stores

  These will be a looting, frantic mess. They’ll also be a breeding ground for zombies. You may be tempted to go looking for supplies, but there are better places, like the distribution centers and warehouses.

  Normal people are driven to snap at others while navigating the aisles with their carts and screaming spawn under the best conditions. What do you expect from zombies?

  Also, I have my suspicions that these stores may be the source of the zombie strain. Next time you’re in one, just look at the employees (sorry anyone I may know who works or has worked at such a store). They’re practically zombies already.

  Schools/Hospitals/Universities

  Any place with a high population is not where you want to be right now (sorry anyone who works in a school, hospital, or university). Get out and stay out.

  Remot
e is good. People close enough to bite you is not ideal. Once again, schools would be okay on a holiday, but universities don’t always follow this rule. Hospitals are bad because zombies will instinctively be drawn to them. They aren’t well and part of them knows that. Unless they are like me and then they’ll be drawn toward the quackery they sell in herb and vitamin shops. Just another reason to avoid the mall.

  Malls

  Malls never will be a good place to avoid zombies. I feel I can’t cover this enough. Too many people, too much glass, not really much food or water. Zombies enjoy malls, amusement parks, movie theaters, and anyplace that their subconscious associates with fun, pleasure, and fondness.

  The problem is zombies bite when they feel pleasure, fun, or fondness. Not to mention Hollywood has taught us that you’ll eventually run out of supplies, turn on each other, be overrun, and die horribly. So avoid the mall if at all possible.

  Zombies

  Yeah…this is obvious. Zombies want to eat you. Avoid being eaten. Use those shovels, axes, guns, fire, flares, petroleum jelly, ammonia, paper bags, and whatever else works.

  Run, hide, jump, climb, drive, walk briskly, but do not skip. Zombies are drawn to skipping…or was that flying monkeys? Climbing is always a good option. Zombies lack the dexterity to climb or play video games well. Doesn’t stop them from trying, but don’t worry, they’ll fail at both.

  Stairs slow them down, but really are not much of a problem for them, but trees, poles, buildings, rocks, and other climbable objects are a great way to get away. Get on a roof and take out a section of the stairs and you can wait comfortably without fear. Just remember, zombies can wait a long time for you to come back down. Try to find someplace where you are not visible and they’ll forget you were ever there.

  Dentist Offices

  Chewing on people does a number to your teeth. Zombies will file into dentist offices in mass. When they find no one to help their rotten, chipped, and broken teeth, they’ll want to chew on more people. Ironic, I know, but zombies don’t really understand irony or care that you find it funny as they sink down to their gums in your forearm.

  Killing Friends

  I don’t know about you, but I try not to kill my friends. This is a pretty good idea if you want to have friends in the first place. Zombie infestation makes this more difficult, but not impossible.

  If your friend gets bitten, don’t immediately lunge at them with your makeshift machete. The transformation isn’t instantaneous, despite what some movies would have you believe. You don’t really know how it works either. Your friend could be immune and then there goes the miracle cure for us all in an impulsive hatchety mess.

  Does it matter that no one’s been immune yet? Nope, it only takes one.

  If they do turn, let them go to wander around as long as you can safely release them to frolic with their fellow zombies. If not, lock them up somewhere. What if we do find a cure? I’m fairly sure it won’t work on dismembered zombies. Even if it did, who wants that?

  Oh, and if you get bitten, repeat “friends are friends, not food” over and over again. Maybe you can be the first zombie to not attack your friends, or better yet, attack other zombies. That would be nice of you.

  Other Places of Interest

  Pawn Shops

  These are a great place to pick up a few weapons. You can find guns, power tools, chainsaws, and any number of useful items, even swords. I so want a sword. You should too. Pawn shop owners won’t take too kindly to looters, so I’d bring some cash or some food to barter with.

  Abandoned Buildings/Warehouses

  Great place to hide if forced into a corner and unable to get out. Warehouses can be full of food, water, supplies, camping gear, or worthless junk. You have to go in and find out. Though they can be a little frightening and have lead to disaster in many a video game and super creepy movie. You better have a good flashlight and try not to think about that movie with zombie vampires.

  Baseball Diamonds

  Everyone knows zombies love baseball. Start a game and they will shuffle to the stands and watch enthralled. This will give you priceless minutes to escape.

  Sorry anyone who loves baseball, but it’s just so boring. It’s almost too boring to use this plan, but to save myself from zombies I’ll use even this. It is also very difficult to accomplish without a ball and bat.

  DMV

  Zombies will instinctively line up here, waiting for their number to be called. They will mill around moaning impatiently. Skip the line, jump the counter, and escape out the back. Just avoid any zombies working behind the counter. They may not be happy about the crowds you just brought in with you.

  Airport

  I don’t know how to pilot anything not associated with a video game, but if you find someone who does, find a plane and go where you want.

  This is a great idea if the zombie plague is local. If not, you’re flying into more trouble anywhere you go. Look for remote landing fields to be the safest. You’re also limited in what you can take with you. One checked bag and one carryon isn’t going to be enough.

  And don’t even get me started on the security checks before you can board, huddled like sheep as you wait for someone to look in your shoes. You’re pretty much a zombie by the end whether you’re bitten or not.

  Abandoned Vehicles

  Great place to siphon a little gas when you run low. Toss a couple bucks on the seat, only fair of you. You can also find a tire iron when your axe gets wrenched away from you, you run out of bullets, and your shovel is stuck in some zombie’s skull.

  Abandoned cars and trucks often contain first aid supplies and flares. You should note that glow sticks are like catnip to zombies. They love them. Flares get their fear instinct going, but glow sticks seem to bring out their curiosity. Zombies like to bite what they’re curious about, so don’t confuse glow sticks and flares. Though, if you spin and twirl a glow stick sometimes the zombie will get the urge to dance and you can escape. It also helps if you can beat box.

  The Library

  The zombies here are super quiet and polite, but they still bite. I’d still swing by and pick up a few reference books. A military survival guide, scout manual, and a book on edible plants would be high on my list of things to check out.

  Weapons

  Firearms

  Always a good weapon to have on hand. Most work from a distance. Most do hefty damage. Make sure you aim for the head or the heart. I know, I know, Hollywood told you the head only. That makes no sense and I’ll get into it later. These are the two most effective targets on a zombie.

  The only downside is you have to have ammo, and the ammo that fits the gun. Unlike movies, you’ll have to reload and you’ll eventually run out of bullets. Also, unlike video games, you cannot just find ammo stashed all over the ground and under plants and vases. Even if you did, this ammo might not work with your particular firearm.

  So, make sure you have plenty of bullets, know how to reload, and can aim decently, or you will get eaten. Oh, and bb guns are not a good choice. They aren’t strong enough to do anything more than annoy a zombie and, as with most emotions, zombies bite what annoys them. Paintball guns are not a good option either. You’re not hurting them; you’re just painting them pretty colors from a distance. While this may be entertaining, it will not help you in the long run.

  Axes

  Axes are always handy. You can crack open a zombies skull, splinter open a locked door, break off an annoying lock on a gate, chop firewood, dice carrots, and even open cans. Just make sure you clean your axe thoroughly before using it on cans or in the kitchen. Cross contamination is bad enough when you’re talking salmonella. You don’t want to make the same mistake with zombie guts. Like any bladed weapon, it will dull over time and may get stuck in a zombie’s ribcage, skull, shin, etc.

  Hatchets

  This has all the uses of an axe with one bonus and one minus. It’s smaller and easier to carry and handle, but that means it’s subject to reach restra
ints. You have to be closer to the zombie to kill it. You don’t want to be close to zombies. Yes, you can throw a hatchet from a distance, but then your hatchet is gone. That is not the best use of a weapon, but may come in handy as a last resort.

  Fire

  As stated earlier, zombies don’t like fire. It evokes primal fear center in what is left of their rotting brains. Torches, flares, bonfires, a lot of candles, fiery oil moats are all great ways to keep zombies at bay.

  You have little to worry about besides the obvious. Fire is dangerous. You can lose control and burn your whole fortified cabin, distribution center, prison, or whatever down. You can also burn yourself. And if you don’t have a first aid kit like I told you to…well, you’re not going to be happy. Fire also needs fuel. The fuel runs out and the fire is gone. So, if you’re relying on fire, make sure you have plenty of firewood, oil, gas, or whatever else you can burn to keep it going.

  Shovels

  Shovels, like axes, are one of the most universal weapons. You can use them to beat zombies, dig trenches as barriers or as waste disposal (yes, you need toilets even when hiding from zombies), move coals for cooking, knock boxes off high shelves, bury fire before it gets out of control, dig traps for zombies or food, as a crutch, bury an eaten friend, and more. They have decent reach, weight, and balance. I like shovels more than a little. Try to remember yours.

  Wood With Nail

  This may sound like a good weapon, but really it’s not. The nail evokes the memory of pain in a normal human. Most of us have managed to step on a nail at some point in our lives. Zombies don’t feel pain the same way. The nail does little good. It just gives the weapon a larger chance of getting stuck two inches deep in some zombie bone, useless to you. I recommend the wood without the nail. You can beat zombies pretty good until the wood breaks.